Gay relationships are complicated

Friday I went out with my friend Annie to a few gay clubs in New York. When I returned home I found my boyfriend terribly unhappy, jealous and upset that I didn’t spend the evening with him. It isn’t uncommon for us to go through this (as I do like to go out and have a good time with my friends). I think it is important that I do not discard the relationships I have with friends because I am in a long-term committed relationship. It is easy for anyone that cares for their better-half to forget their friends, as the feelings and deep intimacy you feel for the other person can often eclipse the emotions you have for other people.

I never want to be that person.

I have a few gay friends that, when in relationships, completely forget about me. We’ll make plans to go out to dinner one night and two hours before they’ll call and say, “Oh, I have to cancel. John is taking me out tonight!” And, a little frustrated, I try to understand their emotions and position: they are utterly consumed by their significant gay boyfriend. And, rightfully so. It isn’t easy to find someone you can really connect with. But, I have always made an attempt to go the extra mile to let my friends know that I am still a part of their life and the same person I was prior to my relationship – only, perhaps, more fulfilled and happy.

But, I wonder: am I, in affect, disturbing my gay relationship – and most importantly, hurting my boyfriend’s feelings – by not putting it up on a pedestal? By not telling my friends that I cannot go out with them because my boyfriend wants me to stay home with him instead? It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with my boyfriend, either. I absolutely love him. He’s smart, sensitive, notices things about me that most people overlook (that even I overlook!). He’s charming and witty, smart and brave, tough but soft. Everything that I would like to be someday. He’s my mentor. I harbor these feelings for him, so it confuses me to wonder why he is so upset about me going out with my friends. Is it that I don’t show him enough attention and love? I must be doing something wrong to make him feel that way and it is upsetting to me that I make him feel that way.

Anyone that says gay relationships aren’t real should really take a look at my life. I am trying earnestly to keep my relationship going full-speed, as we have always done. This is my reality – a complicated gay relationship that consists of the same love, frustration, and terror of losing this person as any other person does, regardless of their orientation, if they truly love the person they are with.